No make-up. No filter.
Just me; learning to love the skin I’m in.
I haven’t done one of these in a while.
Here we go!
- My ex’s gf works in a chiropractor’s office, and that office is still open. She sees approximately 30-40 patients a day. As a result, G hasn’t seen her in several weeks, in an attempt to prevent exposure to Covid-19. Well he called me last night and said they can no longer sustain it – he’s afraid they’ll break up if he doesn’t start seeing her again, which makes sense. So, as of this upcoming Friday, they plan to go back to normal. He offered to keep Jackson indefinitely to keep me from being exposed, but I just can’t do that. This shit could be going on for months. I can’t go months without seeing my kid. He says her office is taking lots of precautions, but it’s still scary considering my low wbc – and it’s only going to get lower as the months pass.
- Speaking of exes, D’s was here earlier picking up Frey, and she once again did that thing where she slowly eyes me up and down like she’s scrutinizing every detail of my looks. It makes me uncomfortable. I *think* we’re in a good place, so I doubt it is meant to be bitchy. In fact, I’m not sure she even realizes she’s doing it. I suppose it makes sense – considering our history. No need to go into all of that. lol
- Speaking of looks, I’m feeling mighty unattractive nowadays. I feel like I look really old. Also – my hair sucks. I’ve decided I want to cut it to just above my shoulders, but who the fuck knows when that will happen. It’s shedding so significantly that I’m actually worried I’ll be wearing a wig in a few months. (And if so – fine wtf-ever. I mean – the wig life isn’t all bad. Your hair always looks good, and you have so much variety). The meds are also causing some acne issues, and you know I’m obsessed with my skin, so I’m living in constant fear that my face is going to break out and look awful. I feel like a fucking troll. I just want to go to bed and hide under the covers. I’m trying to hold out hope that once my body adjusts to the meds, the side effects will lessen. The hot flashes have been insane. My skin is itchy. I’m exhausted. I almost never sleep. It’s a shit show. Cancer just keeps taking and taking and taking. I don’t know how much more I can stand before I have a mental break. Which leads us to our next point:
- I have an appointment in two weeks (via Zoom) with the psychiatrist at the cancer center. She is going to start managing my psych meds, and hopefully she can find a combo that will work for me. My anxiety is off the fucking charts, and the insomnia is unrelenting. I need help. I feel like I’m drowning. I put up a good front, but the reality is – I’m not okay.
- Friday night we are participating in what I’m calling Swinger Wine Club. A bunch of lifestyle people have a monthly wine club that seems to be a tasting that eventually turns into an orgy. Due to boredom, they have started a virtual version, and we were invited by J&M. I just paid the $72 for the wine selection, which will be dropped off at the front porch sometime this week. Then on Friday night at 9 pm – we will get on Zoom and drink it together. And then…who knows? Well – I know that the others will get naked and crazy. D and I haven’t decided if we are into that idea or not. We certainly aren’t prudes, (and have fucked on camera in front of friends before – not too long ago actually) but we don’t know most of these people, so we will probably just observe…this time.
That’s all she wrote.
You make your own happiness. I’m a true believer in that. So now I have to figure out what will make me happier with my career, and then actually do it.
I’m tired of being this miserable, tired, bitchy version of myself.
I have to accept that by putting up certain boundaries/making changes, I will piss off/hurt certain people in my life. It is not my job to carry anyone other than myself.
Say it. Repeat it. Mean it.
- As I stepped out of my car this morning in the office lot, I noticed there was a used condom right there on the ground. Welcome to the city! *puke*
- I found out yesterday that the Nicole style dress from Lularoe is being discontinued. I’m not much for LLR anymore, but I do love that style, so I have sad feelings about this. I spent about 45 minutes on Poshmark last night finding ones I want to buy. I found a cute velvet one, and also a poinsettia print that would be perfect for the holidays. I fucking love Poshmark.
- I’m a tiny bit worried that my step-daughter is turning into a bit of a mean girl. I’m hoping it’s just a middle school phase. Time will tell. Meanwhile, I’m doing intervention when and where I can. I’d love to discuss it with her mom actually, but that just never ever goes well. Trust me.
- I don’t do audio books. I feel like it’s cheating.
- There’s this lovely lady I follow on various social medias whom I have noticed never ever likes my selfies. She likes everything else I post. She leaves charming, insightful comments at times, but never likes a selfie. It’s weird. She likes other people’s selfies, but never mine. And now that I’ve noticed, I can’t stop noticing. So now I’m this weirdo obsessing over why this person won’t like my selfies. This has been going on for some time. lol.
- The internet, man. I’m pretty sure it’s causing me to be dumber, and certainly crazier.
- While I was shredding last night (this is what I call doing the 30 Day Shred fyi), I noticed how much stronger I have gotten. This was a major non-scale victory.
- I think I may want to get my implants swapped out for different ones. And for any new readers: this has to do with breast reconstruction related to breast cancer – not just me saying I want a boob job. Not that there is anything wrong with getting a boob job, and I would have gotten one but for the cancer situation. This is certainly not the boob job I wanted. Sigh.
- But yes – I have silicone gel “gummy bear” (teardrop) and I want just regular silicone (round). I followed my doctor’s recommendation the first time, and I regret the decision. As I proclaimed to D, C, and J on Saturday night: I want stripper tits – or as close as I can get under the circumstances.
- Speaking of boobs, I got to grope some very nice ones on Saturday night. I love boobs. I miss nipples.
- I have a bestie date night with Carrie tonight, and I am excited. We are having dinner, and then going to Ulta, which is our favorite place. haha
- I’m going to see office space on Friday afternoon that is very close to my home (which is about 45 minutes from my STL office). The idea is I could see clients there once (maybe twice) a week and build up business in that area. Clients out there tend to hire lawyers out there – so this could be good for business. If the commitment is cheap enough, I think I’m going to do it.
- I’ve had a song stuck in my head for days and I cannot remember who sings it. I can’t find it on the internet. It’s driving me crazy. Did I make it up???
- The part I remember goes, “Lazy days, no one can rain on our parade…” It’s by a female artist.
- I suppose I should to some actual work now. SIGH.
- Ugh – just noticed a really shitty client is coming in to meet with me this afternoon. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
- This one guy, a client’s “man friend,” whom I got into it with previously, is too scared to come into the office now. He just drops her off and walks her to the door. I’m happy about this. That guy sucks. He knows what I think of him. Scamming motherfucker.
- Not related to the above, I yelled to K today, “PLEASE TELL HIM TO JUST STAY HOME AND NOT TO COME IN HERE BECAUSE I AM GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT IF HE DOES.”
- It is, however, related to the fact that my business partner called in sick today, but is now trying to come in. Not trying to be mean, but I don’t need you here. I’ve got this, bro.
- I don’t understand how one makes a legal determination regarding disposable income and the ability to file a certain chapter of bankruptcy without actually completeting those forms. It isn’t like this was obvious. In the end, I had it figured out in less than 15 minutes. I don’t understand. It’s making me ragey, tbh. This means nothing to anyone but me, I know, but that’s okay.
- I’m going to need a drink tonight.
- Didn’t run last night because I needed a break. Oh and also because I’m reading a book about a (fictional) serial killer, and it’s creeping me out. I’m already kind of scared to run by myself at night even though I don’t leave the subdivision – especially down at the far end where they are still building.
- We are making beef and broccoli tonight and watching TNG. That sounds just right.
- My biggest pet peeve, which I have mentioned a thousand times already, is people being late. It’s so fucking rude. Happening currently. This prospective client is 18 minutes late. I already hate her. Not a good way to start things off.
- I AM (sometimes double) BOOKED EVERY HALF HOUR FOR THE ENTIRE WORK DAY – I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO BE LATE.
- It did give me the time to write this post though. Lol.
- She’s here now, so…
I watch Friends, but only when D is out of town, and the kids aren’t home, mostly as background noise. It helps me feel less lonely.
This song reminds me of my ex.
- I’m in a mood today. I am not fit to people. I am busy af today too, so this should be fun.
- I’m not feeling like a good mom recently. Or even a good wife really. Or a good attorney. I just feel like I suck all around.
- If people cared even half as much about other humans as they do about Notre Dame burning, then maybe our world wouldn’t be such a dumpster fire. I mean…I get it, I really do, but still.
- Freya and I started season 2 of Sabrina last night, but I may have to finish it on my own. She has two tv watching modes: (1) She hasn’t seen it, and asks me questions throughout the entire show about what is happening or what I think is going to happen, or (2) She has already seen the show and spoils every single plot point – in detail – to the point where I don’t even need to watch it. She binge watched season 2 with her mom, so we are dealing with mode 2 right now. Lol.
- Speaking of Frey, she recently told me about a friend coming out to her while they were at camp, and that the girl is very scared that her family is going to disown her. I can’t even believe we are still dealing with such nonsense in 2019, and it makes me very sad.
- I feel like a fucking trash demon, and I know I need to do an entire lifestyle overhaul. I’ve gotta dig deep and get it done. I can’t live with myself like this anymore. I know part of it is me being fucking crazy, but that just is what it is, and I’ve got to change the shit I can actually control.
- I haven’t smoked weed in over a week, and I haven’t even really missed it, so see…not addicted.
- My break from booze is going to be a much more difficult thing. Sigh. But I need to drop at least 5 lbs asap – for my mental health. I guess I shouldn’t call it a break. It’s more of a cut back. I need to drink way, way less. For a variety of reasons.