finding the happy again

You make your own happiness. I’m a true believer in that. So now I have to figure out what will make me happier with my career, and then actually do it.

I’m tired of being this miserable, tired, bitchy version of myself.

I have to accept that by putting up certain boundaries/making changes, I will piss off/hurt certain people in my life. It is not my job to carry anyone other than myself.

Say it. Repeat it. Mean it.

the tuesday list post

  • As I stepped out of my car this morning in the office lot, I noticed there was a used condom right there on the ground. Welcome to the city! *puke*
  • I found out yesterday that the Nicole style dress from Lularoe is being discontinued. I’m not much for LLR anymore, but I do love that style, so I have sad feelings about this. I spent about 45 minutes on Poshmark last night finding ones I want to buy. I found a cute velvet one, and also a poinsettia print that would be perfect for the holidays. I fucking love Poshmark.
  • I’m a tiny bit worried that my step-daughter is turning into a bit of a mean girl. I’m hoping it’s just a middle school phase. Time will tell. Meanwhile, I’m doing intervention when and where I can.  I’d love to discuss it with her mom actually, but that just never ever goes well. Trust me.
  • I don’t do audio books. I feel like it’s cheating.
  • There’s this lovely lady I follow on various social medias whom I have noticed never ever likes my selfies. She likes everything else I post. She leaves charming, insightful comments at times, but never likes a selfie. It’s weird. She likes other people’s selfies, but never mine. And now that I’ve noticed, I can’t stop noticing. So now I’m this weirdo obsessing over why this person won’t like my selfies. This has been going on for some time. lol.
  • The internet, man. I’m pretty sure it’s causing me to be dumber, and certainly crazier.
  • While I was shredding last night (this is what I call doing the 30 Day Shred fyi), I noticed how much stronger I have gotten. This was a major non-scale victory.
  • I think I may want to get my implants swapped out for different ones. And for any new readers: this has to do with breast reconstruction related to breast cancer – not just me saying I want a boob job. Not that there is anything wrong with getting a boob job, and I would have gotten one but for the cancer situation. This is certainly not the boob job I wanted. Sigh.
  • But yes – I have silicone gel “gummy bear” (teardrop) and I want just regular silicone (round). I followed my doctor’s recommendation the first time, and I regret the decision.  As I proclaimed to D, C, and J on Saturday night: I want stripper tits – or as close as I can get under the circumstances.
  • Speaking of boobs, I got to grope some very nice ones on Saturday night. I love boobs. I miss nipples.
  • I have a bestie date night with Carrie tonight, and I am excited. We are having dinner, and then going to Ulta, which is our favorite place. haha
  • I’m going to see office space on Friday afternoon that is very close to my home (which is about 45 minutes from my STL office). The idea is I could see clients there once (maybe twice) a week and build up business in that area. Clients out there tend to hire lawyers out there – so this could be good for business. If the commitment is cheap enough, I think I’m going to do it.
  • I’ve had a song stuck in my head for days and I cannot remember who sings it. I can’t find it on the internet. It’s driving me crazy. Did I make it up???
  • The part I remember goes, “Lazy days, no one can rain on our parade…” It’s by a female artist.
  • I suppose I should to some actual work now. SIGH.
  • Ugh – just noticed a really shitty client is coming in to meet with me this afternoon. Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

truthy tuesday things

  • This one guy, a client’s “man friend,” whom I got into it with previously, is too scared to come into the office now. He just drops her off and walks her to the door. I’m happy about this. That guy sucks. He knows what I think of him. Scamming motherfucker.
  • Not related to the above, I yelled to K today, “PLEASE TELL HIM TO JUST STAY HOME AND NOT TO COME IN HERE BECAUSE I AM GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT IF HE DOES.”
  • It is, however, related to the fact that my business partner called in sick today, but is now trying to come in. Not trying to be mean, but I don’t need you here. I’ve got this, bro.
  • I don’t understand how one makes a legal determination regarding disposable income and the ability to file a certain chapter of bankruptcy without actually completeting those forms. It isn’t like this was obvious. In the end, I had it figured out in less than 15 minutes. I don’t understand. It’s making me ragey, tbh. This means nothing to anyone but me, I know, but that’s okay.
  • I’m going to need a drink tonight.
  • Didn’t run last night because I needed a break. Oh and also because I’m reading a book about a (fictional) serial killer, and it’s creeping me out. I’m already kind of scared to run by myself at night even though I don’t leave the subdivision – especially down at the far end where they are still building.
  • We are making beef and broccoli tonight and watching TNG. That sounds just right.
  • My biggest pet peeve, which I have mentioned a thousand times already, is people being late. It’s so fucking rude. Happening currently. This prospective client is 18 minutes late. I already hate her. Not a good way to start things off.
  • I AM (sometimes double) BOOKED EVERY HALF HOUR FOR THE ENTIRE WORK DAY – I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO BE LATE.
  • It did give me the time to write this post though. Lol.
  • She’s here now, so…

truthy things

  • I’m in a mood today. I am not fit to people. I am busy af today too, so this should be fun.
  • I’m not feeling like a good mom recently. Or even a good wife really. Or a good attorney. I just feel like I suck all around.
  • If people cared even half as much about other humans as they do about Notre Dame burning, then maybe our world wouldn’t be such a dumpster fire. I mean…I get it, I really do, but still.
  • Freya and I started season 2 of Sabrina last night, but I may have to finish it on my own. She has two tv watching modes: (1) She hasn’t seen it, and asks me questions throughout the entire show about what is happening or what I think is going to happen, or (2) She has already seen the show and spoils every single plot point – in detail – to the point where I don’t even need to watch it. She binge watched season 2 with her mom, so we are dealing with mode 2 right now. Lol.
  • Speaking of Frey, she recently told me about a friend coming out to her while they were at camp, and that the girl is very scared that her family is going to disown her. I can’t even believe we are still dealing with such nonsense in 2019, and it makes me very sad.
  • I feel like a fucking trash demon, and I know I need to do an entire lifestyle overhaul. I’ve gotta dig deep and get it done. I can’t live with myself like this anymore. I know part of it is me being fucking crazy, but that just is what it is, and I’ve got to change the shit I can actually control.
  • I haven’t smoked weed in over a week, and I haven’t even really missed it, so see…not addicted.
  • My break from booze is going to be a much more difficult thing. Sigh. But I need to drop at least 5 lbs asap – for my mental health. I guess I shouldn’t call it a break. It’s more of a cut back. I need to drink way, way less. For a variety of reasons.

Confession

I left the house with the tag still attached to my dress. I can feel it, but I can’t cut it off until I get to the office. Luckily, nobody can see it.

I’m strangely out of it this morning. I woke up with a headache (fucking allergies!!) and I need more caffeine.

musings and truths on a tuesday

–  I’m spending more time than I’d like worrying about cancer. My friend has breast cancer, and so I’m now convinced I’m going to have a recurrence. My other friend is dying from pancreatic cancer, and so every stomach pain means I have it too. I have been having heart burn with increasing regularity, and so that means I have esophageal cancer. Thank goodness my ovaries and cervix are gone now, or I’d still be worried about those too.

–  I’m still censoring myself here a little more than I’d like, but maybe that’s a good thing. Idk. Readers are probably like…wait, you would share more here?? Lol. I know…but it’s good for helping with my raging anxiety. Getting it on the page helps — blogging, for me, is essentially a feelings purge. I do miss my handwritten journals – i kept them for years starting at the age of 7 – but my arthritis just won’t allow me to write as much as I like need.

–  I had been doing so well with my exercising and my chores, but things have gotten a bit off track recently. For example, laundry mountain is back. I’m back to walking in the evenings, though not every evening, but I suppose that was always too big of an ask long term. I’m doing what I can given the constraints of my body. Every day is a new opportunity to be a better version of myself. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

–  Official weigh in day is tomorrow, but I peeked today and I seem to be down another half pound. I am crazy close to being back in the 140s and I’m hoping this will give me the motivation I need to keep my calories and activity in line. I went grocery shopping last night and bought all kinds of stuff that should help me keep my calories low. Now I just have to keep a handle on the drinking. We are set to go out tonight, Thursday night, and Saturday night, so I am going to stick to low cal drinks and limit consumption.

–  You might say: “Jenn, give up drinking. It’s a waste of calories.” But you try being a lawyer/small business owner and not have a drink (or three) after a hard day at the office. Is it possible? Of course. Is it likely? NOPE.

–  I weighed 145 on my wedding day, so I want to at least be there again; lose this weight I gained from fucking menopause. Of course, I thought 145 was 10 pounds too many so idk…

–  Weight is one of those things I’ve been avoiding discussing on the blog, because I know it makes people feel uncomfortable, but fuck it…my blog, my rules. I’m not judging anyone else for their weight. Do you, baby!

– The plan tonight is to go bed shopping with the husband. I was all set to order a canopy style bed I fell in love with, but we measured our bedroom last night and our ceiling fan is just not in a good spot for that style bed. So it’s back to the drawing board. We had previously found a bed we really liked at Ashley and so we will go there to tonight to see what we can find. Regardless of what we end up with, I’m excited about this purchase. I’m ready to get out of my husband’s bachelor bed (though we have certainly had some very good times in that bed! hahaha!!)

–  It looks like the 10 am appointment who I thought might be G’s gf is going to be a no show. Whew. Lol. Though really it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal. They’ve been together for several years, and I’ve spoken with her a handful of times. She has always been very nice and respectful towards me. Plus, she’s super good to my kid. So I have no complaints. I’d actually love it if he would settle down with her, but I’m sure he will instead continue to be afraid of commitment and fuck the whole thing up. Even my kid recognizes that this is a problem. How crazy is that?