musings and truths on a tuesday

–  I’m spending more time than I’d like worrying about cancer. My friend has breast cancer, and so I’m now convinced I’m going to have a recurrence. My other friend is dying from pancreatic cancer, and so every stomach pain means I have it too. I have been having heart burn with increasing regularity, and so that means I have esophageal cancer. Thank goodness my ovaries and cervix are gone now, or I’d still be worried about those too.

–  I’m still censoring myself here a little more than I’d like, but maybe that’s a good thing. Idk. Readers are probably like…wait, you would share more here?? Lol. I know…but it’s good for helping with my raging anxiety. Getting it on the page helps — blogging, for me, is essentially a feelings purge. I do miss my handwritten journals – i kept them for years starting at the age of 7 – but my arthritis just won’t allow me to write as much as I like need.

–  I had been doing so well with my exercising and my chores, but things have gotten a bit off track recently. For example, laundry mountain is back. I’m back to walking in the evenings, though not every evening, but I suppose that was always too big of an ask long term. I’m doing what I can given the constraints of my body. Every day is a new opportunity to be a better version of myself. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

–  Official weigh in day is tomorrow, but I peeked today and I seem to be down another half pound. I am crazy close to being back in the 140s and I’m hoping this will give me the motivation I need to keep my calories and activity in line. I went grocery shopping last night and bought all kinds of stuff that should help me keep my calories low. Now I just have to keep a handle on the drinking. We are set to go out tonight, Thursday night, and Saturday night, so I am going to stick to low cal drinks and limit consumption.

–  You might say: “Jenn, give up drinking. It’s a waste of calories.” But you try being a lawyer/small business owner and not have a drink (or three) after a hard day at the office. Is it possible? Of course. Is it likely? NOPE.

–  I weighed 145 on my wedding day, so I want to at least be there again; lose this weight I gained from fucking menopause. Of course, I thought 145 was 10 pounds too many so idk…

–  Weight is one of those things I’ve been avoiding discussing on the blog, because I know it makes people feel uncomfortable, but fuck it…my blog, my rules. I’m not judging anyone else for their weight. Do you, baby!

– The plan tonight is to go bed shopping with the husband. I was all set to order a canopy style bed I fell in love with, but we measured our bedroom last night and our ceiling fan is just not in a good spot for that style bed. So it’s back to the drawing board. We had previously found a bed we really liked at Ashley and so we will go there to tonight to see what we can find. Regardless of what we end up with, I’m excited about this purchase. I’m ready to get out of my husband’s bachelor bed (though we have certainly had some very good times in that bed! hahaha!!)

–  It looks like the 10 am appointment who I thought might be G’s gf is going to be a no show. Whew. Lol. Though really it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal. They’ve been together for several years, and I’ve spoken with her a handful of times. She has always been very nice and respectful towards me. Plus, she’s super good to my kid. So I have no complaints. I’d actually love it if he would settle down with her, but I’m sure he will instead continue to be afraid of commitment and fuck the whole thing up. Even my kid recognizes that this is a problem. How crazy is that?

I should really stfu and go the fuck to sleep. Except I really do loving reading all my bullshit the next morning.

What’s going on in there?? I never know, man.

Censored

I made a post from last night private after my husband had concerns that it might hurt someone’s feelings. And, even though that was certainly not my intention, I made the post private, just in case. So see…I’m not a total asshole. But this right here is a perfect example of me wondering why I even bother blogging anymore.

To be clear, I’m not upset with D. I understand his motivations, and it’s not worth it at all, but it’s just the point that seven years later I’m still having to worry about this shit.

But the gist was: my step-daughter is awesome and she just gets me. ❤️

truths

As I sit alone, drinking, and waiting on some girlfriends to arrive:

  • I told D tonight, after breaking the news that our friend has stage 4, inoperable, pancreatic cancer: I’m so glad I got my ovaries removed. I don’t care that I look older and fatter as long as I get to spend every possible moment with you and the kids.
  • He whole heartedly agrees.
  • He’s making an appointment for a physical tomorrow. No more fucking around. I can’t live without him.
  • We’re going to increase our life insurance too.
  • I have my yearly appointment with my oncologist tomorrow afternoon, and I just feel all fucked up about it now. What if, what if, what if?
  • Pins and fucking needles.
  • It feels like my employee who is leaving has started to phone it in a bit, and that sucks. Not even because I care about the work shit. I just thought we were cooler than that. And I guess it feels like I’m going to miss her, but she’s not going to miss me. So I guess my feelings are hurt.
  • I feel like I need to touch base with hard ass Jenn. I’ve gotten so fucking soft.
  • But…fuck that. Life is short. I’m happy now, and happy Jenn is softer. That’s just the way it is.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff.

truthful tuesday part 2

  • It took three glasses of Prosecco for me to come down tonight.
  • I’m keeping a work related secret for a while, but the gist is that I’m like 95% sure I’m losing a fantastic employee. I’m sad, but also happy for her.
  • I’m thinking that maybe this change will be good. We could use a big shake up. I’m going to take the lemons and make lemonade.
  • I’m not going to see much of a certain person this month and I’m not mad about it. Take all the vacation days. Take a permanent vacation. *shrugs*
  • The Orville. I’m into it. Who knew?
  • The joint pain kept me up a lot last night. And when it wasn’t the pain it was the night sweats. I’m exhausted and kind of salty about all of it. This shit is just so unfair, like fuck, dude. Haven’t I dealt with enough bullshit? This shit combined with work shit has me out of sorts. I’m hoping a weekend away with D is going to set me right.
  • Fucking and drinking and laughing the pain away.

Secrets

I don’t have many of them, honestly. I’m a bit of an open book, though there is definitely stuff I keep off the blog. Mostly my feelings about the people who may be reading it. Haha. But I wouldn’t necessarily call those secrets. I’m pretty open about all that stuff with my IRL people. There’s a difference between discretion and secrecy.

I do have something that happened last night that I want to write about here, but I’m going to wait, and maybe I won’t write about it at all. At least not publicly. I’m still trying to figure out how to handle this particular situation. To be clear, this is a good thing, and I’m happy about it, but it’s also a tiny bit complicated because someone else’s feelings are involved. Someone with whom I already have a strained relationship.

So I guess I do kind of have a secret after all.