truthy things

  • I’m in a mood today. I am not fit to people. I am busy af today too, so this should be fun.
  • I’m not feeling like a good mom recently. Or even a good wife really. Or a good attorney. I just feel like I suck all around.
  • If people cared even half as much about other humans as they do about Notre Dame burning, then maybe our world wouldn’t be such a dumpster fire. I mean…I get it, I really do, but still.
  • Freya and I started season 2 of Sabrina last night, but I may have to finish it on my own. She has two tv watching modes: (1) She hasn’t seen it, and asks me questions throughout the entire show about what is happening or what I think is going to happen, or (2) She has already seen the show and spoils every single plot point – in detail – to the point where I don’t even need to watch it. She binge watched season 2 with her mom, so we are dealing with mode 2 right now. Lol.
  • Speaking of Frey, she recently told me about a friend coming out to her while they were at camp, and that the girl is very scared that her family is going to disown her. I can’t even believe we are still dealing with such nonsense in 2019, and it makes me very sad.
  • I feel like a fucking trash demon, and I know I need to do an entire lifestyle overhaul. I’ve gotta dig deep and get it done. I can’t live with myself like this anymore. I know part of it is me being fucking crazy, but that just is what it is, and I’ve got to change the shit I can actually control.
  • I haven’t smoked weed in over a week, and I haven’t even really missed it, so see…not addicted.
  • My break from booze is going to be a much more difficult thing. Sigh. But I need to drop at least 5 lbs asap – for my mental health. I guess I shouldn’t call it a break. It’s more of a cut back. I need to drink way, way less. For a variety of reasons.

Confession

I left the house with the tag still attached to my dress. I can feel it, but I can’t cut it off until I get to the office. Luckily, nobody can see it.

I’m strangely out of it this morning. I woke up with a headache (fucking allergies!!) and I need more caffeine.

musings and truths on a tuesday

–  I’m spending more time than I’d like worrying about cancer. My friend has breast cancer, and so I’m now convinced I’m going to have a recurrence. My other friend is dying from pancreatic cancer, and so every stomach pain means I have it too. I have been having heart burn with increasing regularity, and so that means I have esophageal cancer. Thank goodness my ovaries and cervix are gone now, or I’d still be worried about those too.

–  I’m still censoring myself here a little more than I’d like, but maybe that’s a good thing. Idk. Readers are probably like…wait, you would share more here?? Lol. I know…but it’s good for helping with my raging anxiety. Getting it on the page helps — blogging, for me, is essentially a feelings purge. I do miss my handwritten journals – i kept them for years starting at the age of 7 – but my arthritis just won’t allow me to write as much as I like need.

–  I had been doing so well with my exercising and my chores, but things have gotten a bit off track recently. For example, laundry mountain is back. I’m back to walking in the evenings, though not every evening, but I suppose that was always too big of an ask long term. I’m doing what I can given the constraints of my body. Every day is a new opportunity to be a better version of myself. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

–  Official weigh in day is tomorrow, but I peeked today and I seem to be down another half pound. I am crazy close to being back in the 140s and I’m hoping this will give me the motivation I need to keep my calories and activity in line. I went grocery shopping last night and bought all kinds of stuff that should help me keep my calories low. Now I just have to keep a handle on the drinking. We are set to go out tonight, Thursday night, and Saturday night, so I am going to stick to low cal drinks and limit consumption.

–  You might say: “Jenn, give up drinking. It’s a waste of calories.” But you try being a lawyer/small business owner and not have a drink (or three) after a hard day at the office. Is it possible? Of course. Is it likely? NOPE.

–  I weighed 145 on my wedding day, so I want to at least be there again; lose this weight I gained from fucking menopause. Of course, I thought 145 was 10 pounds too many so idk…

–  Weight is one of those things I’ve been avoiding discussing on the blog, because I know it makes people feel uncomfortable, but fuck it…my blog, my rules. I’m not judging anyone else for their weight. Do you, baby!

– The plan tonight is to go bed shopping with the husband. I was all set to order a canopy style bed I fell in love with, but we measured our bedroom last night and our ceiling fan is just not in a good spot for that style bed. So it’s back to the drawing board. We had previously found a bed we really liked at Ashley and so we will go there to tonight to see what we can find. Regardless of what we end up with, I’m excited about this purchase. I’m ready to get out of my husband’s bachelor bed (though we have certainly had some very good times in that bed! hahaha!!)

–  It looks like the 10 am appointment who I thought might be G’s gf is going to be a no show. Whew. Lol. Though really it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal. They’ve been together for several years, and I’ve spoken with her a handful of times. She has always been very nice and respectful towards me. Plus, she’s super good to my kid. So I have no complaints. I’d actually love it if he would settle down with her, but I’m sure he will instead continue to be afraid of commitment and fuck the whole thing up. Even my kid recognizes that this is a problem. How crazy is that?

Censored

I made a post from last night private after my husband had concerns that it might hurt someone’s feelings. And, even though that was certainly not my intention, I made the post private, just in case. So see…I’m not a total asshole. But this right here is a perfect example of me wondering why I even bother blogging anymore.

To be clear, I’m not upset with D. I understand his motivations, and it’s not worth it at all, but it’s just the point that seven years later I’m still having to worry about this shit.

But the gist was: my step-daughter is awesome and she just gets me. ❤️

truths

As I sit alone, drinking, and waiting on some girlfriends to arrive:

  • I told D tonight, after breaking the news that our friend has stage 4, inoperable, pancreatic cancer: I’m so glad I got my ovaries removed. I don’t care that I look older and fatter as long as I get to spend every possible moment with you and the kids.
  • He whole heartedly agrees.
  • He’s making an appointment for a physical tomorrow. No more fucking around. I can’t live without him.
  • We’re going to increase our life insurance too.
  • I have my yearly appointment with my oncologist tomorrow afternoon, and I just feel all fucked up about it now. What if, what if, what if?
  • Pins and fucking needles.
  • It feels like my employee who is leaving has started to phone it in a bit, and that sucks. Not even because I care about the work shit. I just thought we were cooler than that. And I guess it feels like I’m going to miss her, but she’s not going to miss me. So I guess my feelings are hurt.
  • I feel like I need to touch base with hard ass Jenn. I’ve gotten so fucking soft.
  • But…fuck that. Life is short. I’m happy now, and happy Jenn is softer. That’s just the way it is.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff.