This article hits home for me.
6 Truths About Being The Second Wife
Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. There are seriously complicated stunts involved– trapeze artists have less difficulty in learning when to disappear and resurface at exactly the right moments than your average second wife.
Just a few weeks ago, D and I were chatting with Freya via FaceTime regarding her leg injury. Unexpectedly, his ex stepped into the frame and the two of them starting getting a bit snippy with one another. I turned around and left the room without saying anything, because I knew it wasn’t my place to be involved in that conversation. It’s not the first time it has happened, and I’m certain it won’t be the last. Such is life as the second wife. Hey, that rhymed!
I didn’t sleep well last night. My thoughts were racing all night, and I just couldn’t relax as a result. After taking enough Melatonin to put out a large beast, I finally passed out, but I slept fitfully.
I’m worried about various work related things.
I’m worried about finances. We’re fine, but the wedding is such a huge expenditure, and I feel broke as a result.
I’m worried because this is the slow season at the firm and this is not a good time for the slow season.
I’m worried that we’re going to have to change and/or reschedule our honeymoon due to hurricane damage.
I’m worried that this damn medication isn’t going to work for me and that I will live a pain filled existence.
I’m worried that I’ll wake up in pain and/or with swollen joints on our wedding day.
I’m worried that I’m forgetting something important that needs to be done.
I’m worried that my wedding dress isn’t going to fit.
I’m worried that the exes will be sad on our wedding day, and I don’t want them to be sad. I don’t want them to care at all, but is that realistic? Prob not. I don’t pretend to know how D’s ex will feel, but I’m certain my ex will be upset and I hate that. I hate that my happiness is at his expense.
I’m worried that my wedding vows are going to suck. I have so much I want to say to him, and I feel incapable of eloquently expressing my feelings.
I’m worried about so much more, but it’s too much to post.
This is normal, right? I hope this is normal. I used to take Xanax to help with this sort of thing, but I haven’t taken that shit in a long time. I’m hoping that a chill night with D will help get me in a better state of mind.
❤️I’m in a group text with D and his ex regarding their daughter who is often in my care…so it makes sense and I’m pleased to be in the loop. BUT…there’s something still slightly triggering whenever I see their names next to each other like that: David & Karen – that’s what it says when I open the text thread and with their pics right next to one another. Like a couple. 5 1/2 years in, with a wedding 3 months away, and little things like that can still occasionally spark an emotional reaction. Aren’t emotions the worst sometimes?
❤️I’m certain this reaction stems from the first year of our relationship where I was convinced he would go back to her, despite his reassurances that it would never happen. Whenever we split up (and there were a few break ups before we got it right) that’s where my head would always go. “Oh he’ll take the easy road of mediocrity instead of the rocky road that leads to great happiness.” I’m so thankful I was wrong.
❤️I think of that situation whenever I hear the song Back to Black by Amy Winehouse, which always reduces me to tears. Sucks too because it’s a favorite of mine. I got drunk and sang it when it came on at last year’s Halloween party; then cried on my bestie’s shoulder. Lol
❤️Another somewhat related and similarly petty truth? Once a couple of years back, a friend of Dave’s commented on a pic of his, “Didn’t ex-wife teach you how to take a proper selfie?” This was well after their divorce and it really pissed me off. I held the grudge all the way up to a few months ago when we met her and her husband for dinner.
❤️And finally, a related but not at all petty, truth. I feel this one in my bones. I’ll always and forever be jealous that I won’t have a child with Dave but she did. I love our lifestyle and I know that a baby would change everything. Rationally, I don’t want that. But…
thanks for reading
I have a realization: the reason why I’m so morose and full of self-loathing is because of motherfucking PMS. Honestly though, I’m still considering just deleting all of my social media, including blogs. Maybe I should just shut everything down and take a break?