the second wife

This article hits home for me.

6 Truths About Being The Second Wife

Especially this:

Being a second wife and a stepmother is rather like learning to perfect a set of aerial maneuvers. There are seriously complicated stunts involved– trapeze artists have less difficulty in learning when to disappear and resurface at exactly the right moments than your average second wife.

Just a few weeks ago, D and I were chatting with Freya via FaceTime regarding her leg injury. Unexpectedly, his ex stepped into the frame and the two of them starting getting a bit snippy with one another. I turned around and left the room without saying anything, because I knew it wasn’t my place to be involved in that conversation. It’s not the first time it has happened, and I’m certain it won’t be the last. Such is life as the second wife. Hey, that rhymed!

Not today, Satan

  • On repeat in my head.
  • If this motherfucker doesn’t stop mansplaining me…
  • Ugh never gonna happen.
  • Please remind me why I even went to law school?
  • D is leaving town this afternoon. Sigh.
  • No kids at home tonight. Sigh.
  • I’ve gotten exceptionally good at being fake to people, and the necessity for that just makes me really fucking sad.
  • I’m trying not to be an asshole, but you’re not making it easy on me.
  • I need a burrito tonight. Happening.

anxiety

I didn’t sleep well last night. My thoughts were racing all night, and I just couldn’t relax as a result. After taking enough Melatonin to put out a large beast, I finally passed out, but I slept fitfully.

I’m worried about various work related things.
I’m worried about finances. We’re fine, but the wedding is such a huge expenditure, and I feel broke as a result.
I’m worried because this is the slow season at the firm and this is not a good time for the slow season.
I’m worried that we’re going to have to change and/or reschedule our honeymoon due to hurricane damage.
I’m worried that this damn medication isn’t going to work for me and that I will live a pain filled existence.
I’m worried that I’ll wake up in pain and/or with swollen joints on our wedding day.
I’m worried that I’m forgetting something important that needs to be done.
I’m worried that my wedding dress isn’t going to fit.
I’m worried that the exes will be sad on our wedding day, and I don’t want them to be sad. I don’t want them to care at all, but is that realistic? Prob not. I don’t pretend to know how D’s ex will feel, but I’m certain my ex will be upset and I hate that. I hate that my happiness is at his expense.
I’m worried that my wedding vows are going to suck. I have so much I want to say to him, and I feel incapable of eloquently expressing my feelings.
I’m worried about so much more, but it’s too much to post.

This is normal, right? I hope this is normal. I used to take Xanax to help with this sort of thing, but I haven’t taken that shit in a long time. I’m hoping that a chill night with D will help get me in a better state of mind.

truthful tuesday: the ‘jenn is a bitch’ edition

  • Sometimes someone will post about how boring they are, and I’ll be like…you’re right! Then I immediately unfollow them.
  • I mean…you said it.
  • I’m a lot of things, but I don’t think I’m boring.
  • I’m definitely bitchy though, so if you don’t like bitchy people then *you* should unfollow me.
  • I’ve also unfollowed people recently for having to be a hater about fucking everything. I don’t have time for that shit. Let people be excited about shit, for fuck’s sake.
  • I’ve unfriended people whose politics I generally agree with for being condescending assholes about it.
  • I’m tired of pretending to like people I don’t actually like. I don’t think I’m going to do it anymore. There is one exception to this.
  • Okay…there are three exceptions, actually.
  • For now.
  • I used to have my mom restricted on Facebook, but I don’t anymore. My mom is actually pretty fucking cool, so I’m just going to go with it. She doesn’t mind all of my f-bombs. I mean, she’s the one I learned it from, so…
  • I saw a meme the other day that said something like: everyone loves a bad ass bitch until they realize that the bad ass bitch isn’t going to take their shit either. I find this to be shockingly accurate, and kind of the story of my life right now.
  • I saw another meme that was like: I don’t burn bridges, I just let them slowly deteriorate over time. That’s so me, unless you fuck with me, and then I will burn this motherfucker down, to even my own detriment, just to spite you.
  • I get ragey, you see. Red Jenn. I’ve gotten way better about it over the years, but at the end of the day, I have quite the temper.
  • Just ask my ex husband.
  • Or fuck…ask my soon-to-be. Though honestly, we don’t fight much. When we do, it can get cray. But I just love the way we make up.
  • Heart eyes, motherfuckers. I know we’re gross, but I just don’t care.
  • People love to hate other people for being happy. I read a blog post about me once that was basically like “enjoy it while it lasts” and I was like mmm hmm.
  • I just got the kind of text I love to see from Dave: “I’m on my way.”
  • Date night in the city, bitches.

xoxo

Truths from the heart

❤️I’m in a group text with D and his ex regarding their daughter who is often in my care…so it makes sense and I’m pleased to be in the loop. BUT…there’s something still slightly triggering whenever I see their names next to each other like that: David & Karen – that’s what it says when I open the text thread and with their pics right next to one another. Like a couple. 5 1/2 years in, with a wedding 3 months away, and little things like that can still occasionally spark an emotional reaction. Aren’t emotions the worst sometimes? 

❤️I’m certain this reaction stems from the first year of our relationship where I was convinced he would go back to her, despite his reassurances that it would never happen. Whenever we split up (and there were a few break ups before we got it right) that’s where my head would always go. “Oh he’ll take the easy road of mediocrity instead of the rocky road that leads to great happiness.” I’m so thankful I was wrong. 

❤️I think of that situation whenever I hear the song Back to Black by Amy Winehouse, which always reduces me to tears. Sucks too because it’s a favorite of mine. I got drunk and sang it when it came on at last year’s Halloween party; then cried on my bestie’s shoulder. Lol

❤️Another somewhat related and similarly petty truth? Once a couple of years back, a friend of Dave’s commented on a pic of his, “Didn’t ex-wife teach you how to take a proper selfie?” This was well after their divorce and it really pissed me off. I held the grudge all the way up to a few months ago when we met her and her husband for dinner.

❤️And finally, a related but not at all petty, truth. I feel this one in my bones. I’ll always and forever be jealous that I won’t have a child with Dave but she did. I love our lifestyle and I know that a baby would change everything.  Rationally, I don’t want that. But…

thanks for reading