truthful tuesday: a list post

  • I like Amy Schumer and idgaf.
  • I hate my current haircut. I think my stylist did a shitty job.
  • And I think I’m being too much of a scared little bitch to do what I really want with my hair because I’m worried I need to look a certain way on my wedding day. (I want to chop it all off like right now and go back to my short, jet black, pixie hair).
  • I bought my mom a Mother’s Day card for the first time in years. Now I just need to mail it off.
  • I’ll feel lucky if my ex even remembers to have Jackson give me/make me a card for Mother’s Day.
  • It feels sort of weird to be in a position where I’m helping my step-daughter pick out and buy presents for her mom for Mother’s Day. And even weirder that I’m strangely excited about helping out with it.
  • That said, I think Mother’s Day is a stupid holiday that makes a lot of people feel bad needlessly. Not all of us have good relationships with our mothers. Not all of us have living mothers. That’s important to remember.
  • For example, I offered to buy D a card to send to his mom and he declined. Given what I know about the situation, I can’t blame him, but I know he will feel a little shitty about things on Sunday and that makes me sad for him.
  • This weekend is my bestie’s birthday. We are going out tonight for dinner. I have yet to buy her any gifts. I’m probably going to get her a fat gift card to Ulta and call it a day.
  • Her birthday always reminds me of getting separated, because it was on her birthday five years ago that the ex and I broke up. It also happened to be Mother’s Day. Double fucking whammy, right?
  • It was at her birthday party five years ago (the night before her actual b-day), that I took a good look at him and decided enough was enough. I simply couldn’t do it anymore.
  • It’s scary how much you can love somebody until you simply don’t anymore.
  • It’s also scary how much you can think you love somebody, until you find somebody else you love more, and then you feel confused about what your feelings really were. It’s a bit of a mind fuck.
  • All those little hurts add up, people. Don’t forget that.
  • This post is sort of dark, but I promise I’m actually in a pretty good mood.
  • Despite the fact that I’m probably going to get yelled at by the judge tomorrow morning.
  • Send booze, cake, and Xanax.

I’m in deep with this girl but she’s out of her mind.

  • Whenever I hear that lyric, I wonder if D thinks of me when he hears it. 
  • These steroids are keeping me wide awake. It’s 3 am I must be lonely. 
  • My grandfather used to snore so intensely that it sounded like a freight train was running through the house. He had terrible sleep apnea because he was extremely overweight. There was no stopping his addiction to sweets, however, or smoking for that matter. He used to hide behind the detached garage and sneak both. When I’d catch him, he’d put his fingers to his lips and bribe me with candy. (My grandmother knew what was up though; she was eagle eyed.) He was the fucking best. He taught me what it would be like to have a good father in my life. When he died, he took a piece of me with him. 
  • When I met my ex, he had the cutest Texas accent. He eventually ditched it via voice training because he wanted to be an actor. The acting career never even came close to panning out, and I always missed that accent. It was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. What a waste. 
  • Honestly though, he sold me out over and over again for things that would never pan out, and that’s why we failed spectacularly, just like everything else in his life.
  • I thought I knew humidity, and then I went to South Carolina. I cannot abide, which sucks because I’d love to be a southern lady.
  • I almost bought D’s ex a Christmas present yesterday. Well let me rephrase, I’ve actually bought her several presents on behalf of Freya, but this is something I came across and thought: Oh this would be perfect for Karen. I didn’t though, because she hates me. I emailed her several months ago to try to mend things, but she never responded. 
  • It’s all good. Just gotta keep on keeping on. As I lie here, with D softly snoring next to me, and my kids safely tucked into their beds upstairs, I recognize I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Forever grateful. ❤️

omg jenn wtf

I’ve been feeling sort of crappy and moody the past couple of days and I finally realized today what the problem is: PMS! This would be obvious to most women, but I haven’t had a period since February 2013 because of chemo and then my IUD, so whenever this happens I’m always like, “Oooooooooohhhhhh right.”

I probably should have titled this post: TMI Alert!

That may also explain why I have felt like a hideous troll beast for the last few days.

On Tuesday nights I work out with my personal trainer after work, and I was really dreading it today, like couldn’t even begin to fathom how the fuck I was going to exercise tonight. But then I got there and got my pump on and now I feel way better, both physically and emotionally. Also, I am super excited and proud of myself because I bench pressed for the first time tonight, even though it was crazy hard (I have the weakest upper body ever especially now post-mastectomy).

I ate so much pecan pie this last week, which is probably part of the reason why I feel so blah, but it’s also meant I’ve been singing the following all week, “Just a piece of pecan pie and you that’s all I want. Just a piece of pecan pie and all I want is you.”

Golden Smog!!

D’s parents continue to be a complete disappointment, but that’s a story for another time.

I have a confession to make: I don’t like Gilmore Girls. I have tried so hard and I just don’t like it. I don’t get it, like what’s the point or whatever? Well actually I know the point is the mother and daughter’s relationship with each other, but like nothing ever actually happens and I just get really bored. I feel like the anti-woman for not liking this show, like I feel actual guilt/shame. Haha. Please don’t revoke my vagina.

I have a feeling this is going to be one of those posts that I read in the morning and think to myself, “Oh my god, Jenn. What the fuck?”

Today’s topics –

  • I’ve had a few difficult professional conversations today, but they all ended up going quite well.
  • D gave me his cold.
  • I have a tension headache. The pain in radiating down my neck and into my shoulder.
  • Being in a book club is hard when you’ve read like all the books. Every single month for the last four have been repeats.
  • There was so much making out this past weekend that my mouth is sore and the skin around it is irritated.
  • I wish people would stop pretending like cauliflower is an acceptable substitute for rice and/or potatoes.
  • D’s ex sent him an email today that made me smile. It seems his parents are on her shit-list too, and rightfully so. Fucking assholes.
  • I’m addicted to washi tape, and stickers. I put them on everything.
  • This completely worthless post must come to an end so I can go meet with another client.

prop me up with another pill

The joints in my right hand are super swollen and hurt so much. I’m sitting at my desk trying not to cry. This is even after two pain pills.

I’m exhausted. I had to wake up earlier than usual this morning and I’m so not a morning person. I’m not really an afternoon person either. I just want to sleep like 10 to 12 hours per day to be honest.

I have to go to court every morning this week and just ugh…do not want. At least tomorrow morning it’s just muni court in my new hometown so I won’t have to wake up insanely early.

I’m starting to think I just don’t like dogs.

Unrelated to the point above: today a couple of colleagues and I had a very weird conversation about eating dogs and horses. We get bored while waiting for our cases to be called at court.

I fell asleep at my desk earlier. It may happen again. I’m dragging.

I stayed at court longer than I needed to this morning to try to avoid seeing a client I knew would be back at the office. It didn’t work.

I’m seriously considering breaking up with my hair stylist. Unfortunately, this is harder than it seems. Especially when you are connected on Facebook and have mutual friends. I just want my fucking hair to be even for fuck’s sake.

We bought 7 bottles of wine yesterday at the winery. Plus, we received two bottles as housewarming gifts this weekend. All reds. I’m a happy girl.

I feel like I have grown so cynical. I have a difficult time taking things at face value. Even a seemingly nice act often has an ulterior motive.

Sometimes something will happen and I’m reminded of how many people actually read this blog. Then I often feel the urge to delete. I won’t, obvs. But the feeling is there…lurking.

D is super stressed and so I want to do something to help him relax. I’m going to rock his world. (Last night, he seriously rocked mine like whoa…)

let them eat cake

It’s my birthday week and so there will be cake. Oh yes. Maybe even tonight. (D and I are going out for the adult version of my bday celebration).

I weighed myself on the “bad” scale this morning. I hate it and I’m throwing it away before I move. Fuck that thing. It is at least four pounds off.

I like it when my boyfriend acts needy and/or jealous. It’s good to feel wanted by him and to know he’s as scared to lose me as I am to lose him. There was an incident this weekend that was pretty adorable. He thought I was going to be mad at him, but it just made me love him more.

I only answer about 50% of the calls from my ex. Never once has it actually been something important. For example, he just called me twice in a row. The first time I ignored it. The second time I answered. What did he want? For me to look something up for him on the fucking internet. It was something about our kid, but still.

Why is it so hard for people to catch a fucking hint? Like I’m trying to spare your feelings by letting you down easy and you just won’t get the clue. Grrr.

Today a colleague of mine saw me outside of the courthouse. He was running. He paused to say hi and made a point of popping off his shirt. It was super fucking awkward and also hilarious.

You don’t get to check out for like five years and then suddenly check back in. That shit is not happening.

My “single” life is quickly coming to an end. I’ve lived on my own for four years now. I’m both nervous and excited about my life moving forward. Mostly excited. Very excited actually.

I’m good at being uncomfortable so I can’t stop changing all the time. (A lyric that is very close to my heart). I’m a fan of change. Change is good.

I’m reading up on how to be a good step-parent and on blended families.

The thing about chronic pain is that if I’m complaining about being in pain, then you should know that it is really fucking bad at that moment. I have a very high pain tolerance.

I have so much shit on my desk…just a fuck ton of work to do. Am I going to stay late and do any of it? Nope. I’m going to the gym and then I’m meeting up with D to do our typical Tuesday night stuff.

I love my life. I almost feel guilty because I’m so happy. Are other people this happy too? I hope so.