*insert middle finger here*

I have three people for whom I carry some serious resentment. I call them The Big Three in my mind…haha. I need to find a way to get past it, but they always make it so fucking difficult with all their martyr syndrome bullshit and/or the inability to concisely answer a fucking question or just be chill for like once. Ugh. Today is supposed to be a rest day for me, but I may need to run anyway in order to channel some of this rage. Because now it’s ruining my day and that is just fucking stupid. TGIF for real though. I need an extended break from people.

yikes

Last night, when I was tipsy/high, I wrote a post about something very personal and I somehow had the presence of mind to think: draft this and decide in the morning. I just read it and it is very raw. I think I will post it at some point, but revised. Definitely revised.

 

snippets

I’ve been having the most vivid dreams and sometimes I get confused as a result. Did that really happen or not? Lately, I’ve been having super realistic dreams that D and I have broken up, which is weird because our relationship is probably stronger than ever. Brains are weird, right?

I like that sore feeling in my legs. Like I know I did something and I feel alive.

Feeling wanted is its own sort of high.

Writing it down is important. So that you can remember it later.

Sometimes I think about that dude that passed out under our Christmas tree when I was a teenager and I wonder what ever happened to him.

In the new house, we will have three Christmas trees, one of which will be a twelve foot tree (in the great room).

I’m not scared of spiders. They’re actually pretty cool when you think about it.

There is nothing more disappointing than a terrible cookie. Girl Scout cookies are kind of terrible to be honest.

I think the thing I’ll miss most about city living is the cookie delivery.

I don’t know how to watch tv alone.

Party never/read forever.

I got so good at turning it off. Now you feel it. Now you don’t.

I will burn the bridge. Every single time.

The talking leads to touching, and the touching leads to sex, and then there is no mystery left.

The purrs and the blankets and the pillows and the books.

The other day I read this blog post a (tumblr) friend of mine wrote about how much she has suffered with self-esteem issues since her ex cheated on her. It made me cry and then I wanted to call my own ex and apologize. But I have. So many times. I have to learn to forgive myself.

He likes to tell me he’s not that person anymore. I’m not either though. Not even close. Isn’t that actually a good thing though? Let’s finally be the people we were always meant to be.

Boom, bitch.

I drank the Jack Daniels straight from the bottle and I yelled down to you from the 7th floor window that you should go fuck yourself. Then I puked in an ice bucket. Welcome to my 1998.

I think you’re crazy. I’m also sort of jealous of you. Mostly, I try to forget you exist.

Did you pay the iron price?

When I was a little girl, I used to hang out at my (step) grandmother’s house and spend hours paging through JCPenney catalogs and imaging an entirely different life for myself.

You were there. And then you weren’t. And then it hurt. And then it didn’t. Now…it doesn’t matter anymore.

He makes me feel free.

I write it because I never want to regret not writing it.

So many plans, so little time.

I was pissed for a while this evening

and I even drafted some ranty blog posts, but I deleted them when I remembered something:

I’ve already won. Like…I have everything I have always wanted.

So why do I even care?

So…fuck it.

I think the lawyer inside me just finds it extremely difficult to let shit go, like I could argue for-fucking-ever, especially when the other side isn’t presenting accurate information. I have all these facts to back up my position, and I want to share them with the world. This is what I do.

But…meh. It’s just not worth it, because you can’t fix stupid or crazy or people who just want to stay stuck in their ways. I’ve learned that the hard way.

Also, for the one who claims to not be reading this blog (lol), I love your daughter so much that I won’t disparage you on the internet despite the fact that you do it to me. Don’t you think it’s time to put away the victim card though? Just a thought.